Between ATC and planes on approach:
STL approach: “United XXX best forward speed to the marker, you’re number one.”
United XXX (male): “Roger, balls to the wall.”
STL approach: “American XXXX, you’re number two behind a 737, follow him, cleared visual, best forward speed.”
American XXXX (female): “Well I can’t do ‘balls to the wall’ but I can go ‘wide open’.”
-Radio silence-
Unknown Pilot (male): “Is American hiring?”
El Paso has a ‘high approach’ (known as penetration approaches)for the military and the initial approach fix is “fanny” 20 miles se of ELP. A lady controller was busy and clipped her phraseology “Talon one cleared for penetration at fanny” and then in the ensuing silence an anonomous pilot keyed the mike and said “Ah, center, we’d like one of those too.”
SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: “I’ll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn’t really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed.”
“90 knots” Center replied.
“Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.”
“120 knots,” Center answered.
"We weren’t the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, ‘Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout.’
“There was a slight pause, then the response, 525 knots on the ground, Dusty”.
“Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.” “Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?”
There was a longer than normal pause… “Aspen, I show 1,742 knots”
“No further inquiries were heard on that frequency”
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What, exactly, was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant. “It took us a while to find a new pilot.”
At the airport for a business trip, Maureen settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then she heard the voice on the public address system saying, ‘We apologise for the inconvenience, but BOAC Flight 937 will board from Gate 41.’
Maureen picked up her luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told her that Flight 937 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, Maureen gathered her carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as she was settling down, the public address voice spoke again, ‘We would like to thank all passengers for participating in BOAC’s physical fitness programme.’
here it goes: My friend says he was training an ATC rookie - I think he said it was out at Nellis AFB. Anyway, one day this kid takes a call from an aircraft requesting clearance to FL 800 (80,000 feet)…
Rookie (dripping with sarcasm): “Okay, hotshot – if you think you can take her that high, GO FOR IT!!”
Pilot of the SR-71 on the other end of the radio: “Roger Control; now DESCENDING from 100,000 feet to FL 800…”
Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology… “You are entering my dark area”
USB: “WHOOPEE!”
One of the controllers came on and reported something happened to cause a further delay and that those planes in a holding pattern would need to stay there. Almost immediately, one of the pilots responded with, “Bullshit!” The controller then said something to the effect of, “Sir, the use of profane language is prohibited on this channel by FAA and FCC regulations. Please identify yourself.” After a moment, one of the pilots reported, “This is flight 123 and we are negative on the bullshit.” A moment after that, another flight reported in, “This is flight 456 and we are also negative on the bullshit.” One by one, each and every one of the flights reported in as being “negative on the bullshit.”
A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was waiting to take off. The private pilot got a little nervous because the military plane was closer than normal, and asked the tower to find out the intentions of the C-5. Before the tower could reply, a voice came over the radio as the C-5’s nose cargo doors opened, saying, “I’m going to eat you.”
United cargo jet (with female pilot): "This is my secondary radio. Is my transmission still fuzzy?
Oakland ARTCC controller: “I don’t know. I’ve never seen it.” (Earned him two weeks on the beach) (Ack ‘a former ATC’)
Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew.
Something loose in cockpit.->
Something tightened in cockpit.
Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing.->
Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.
Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.->
Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.
Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.->
Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.
Mouse in cockpit.->
Cat installed.
Target radar hums.->
Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably]->
Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.
Pilot’s clock inoperative.->
Wound clock.
Aircraft handles funny.->
Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.->
Pilot removed from aircraft.
Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.->
Took hammer away from midget.
Suspected crack in windshield.->
Suspect you are right.
IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.]->
IFF always inoperative in ‘off’ mode.
Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough.->
Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.
No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?]->
Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.
Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.->
Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
Dead bugs on windshield.->
Live bugs on back order.
Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.->
Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.->
Evidence removed.
Three roaches in cabin.->
One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.
DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?]->
DME volume set to more believable level.
No2 propeller seeping prop fluid.->
No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.->
That’s what they are for.