Just For Laughs...Pilot Humor

Aviation General Aviation
41

A Boeing 747-400 was on a long final for RWY 8 Right, when tower contacted them with a traffic advisory.

“Air China 1128-please report traffic 12 o’clock”…
“Looking for traffic…Air China 1128”

15 Seconds later…

(FO to Capt)

“I think we just had a bird strike!”
“Goodness that was the biggest bird I have ever seen” replied the Captain

EEEH…EEEH…EEEH…

“Air China 1128…we’re calling to report a bird strike, and an ELT sounding in vicinity…”

LONG pause…

"Air China, please report souls on board…we’re showing you still airborne after a midair with aircraft type, Cessns 150…

“OMG! We thought we hit a bird!..Air China 1128”

42

Hey damiross…

Your noise abatement joke is a real keeper:)

43

A pilot crossed the hold short line accidentally without clearance…

When the female controller began yelling at him, and screaming all sorts of things about runway incursions, and FAA requirements, he replied…

"Honey, I knew that you were a jack of all trades, but…I just…I mean…I didn’t know that you were an Air Traffic Controller…you never told me about! :blush:

44

I was working line one day and a flight options jet pulled up next to a netjets’ jet, so I started talking to the pilot and he asked me what the difference between a Netjets cockpit and a condom was, when I didn’t have an answer, he replied “You can only fit one prick in a condom.”

45

Does anybody know the tail number for This Crash?

And (paraphrased) for JHEM, what is Vmin of an unladen sparrow?

46

Is that an African or European swallow?

47

For your reading pleasure:
SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah.
SOLDIER #1: So, they couldn’t bring a coconut back anyway.
[clop clop clop]
SOLDIER #2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
SOLDIER #1: No, they’d have to have it on a line.
SOLDIER #2: Well, simple! They’d just use a strand of creeper!
SOLDIER #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
SOLDIER #2: Well, why not?
SOLDIER #1: Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
SOLDIER #1: Pull the other one!
ARTHUR: I am,… and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court
at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
SOLDIER #1: What? Ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR: Yes!
SOLDIER #1: You’re using coconuts!
ARTHUR: What?
SOLDIER #1: You’ve got two empty halves of coconut and you’re bangin’ 'em together.
ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through–
SOLDIER #1: Where’d you get the coconuts?
ARTHUR: We found them.
SOLDIER #1: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut’s tropical!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
SOLDIER #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our
land?
SOLDIER #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all. They could be carried.
SOLDIER #1: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
SOLDIER #1: It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn’t matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
SOLDIER #1: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
SOLDIER #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I’m not interested!
SOLDIER #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
SOLDIER #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That’s my point.
SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
SOLDIER #1: But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory
SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah.
SOLDIER #1: So, they couldn’t bring a coconut back anyway.
[clop clop clop]
SOLDIER #2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
SOLDIER #1: No, they’d have to have it on a line.
SOLDIER #2: Well, simple! They’d just use a strand of creeper!
SOLDIER #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
SOLDIER #2: Well, why not?

NARRATOR: Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more than a swallow’s flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that’s an unladen swallow’s flight, obviously. I mean, they weremore than two laden swallows’ flights away-- four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging–
CROWD: Get on with it!
NARRATOR: Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren’t any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling-- oooh!

BRIDGEKEEPER: Hee hee heh. Stop! What… is your name?
ARTHUR: It is ‘Arthur’, King of the Britons.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What… is your quest?
ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
BRIDGEKEEPER: Huh? I-- I don’t know that. Auuuuuuuugh!
BEDEVERE: How do know so much about swallows?
ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you’re a king, you know.

48

Comedic Perfection.

49

Bit old but these are from an e-mail floating around.

Airline cabin announcements:

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

  1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

  2. On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

  3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.

  4. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane”

  5. “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

  6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

  7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

  8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa… To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight… It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

  9. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

  10. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

  11. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

  12. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

  13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

  14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

  15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

  16. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

  17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

  18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

  19. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”

  20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.”

  21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine.”

50

My contribution to this thread is a true story.

At the airport where I am based there is a controller with a good sense of humor. One afternoon he was working the “local” position when an asian student pilot in a helicopter called.

Helicopter: Er Monte Towah, hericoptah 12345 ovah Santa Fe dam, inbound for randing.

Tower: Helicopter 12345 say again your position.

Helicopter: Er Monte Towah, logah.

Tower: Helicopter 12345, I asked you to say your position, the correct answer is not Roger.

Instructor then came on and gave the position.

51

Thats funny:)

52

Why airplanes are better than wives:

Airplanes have strict weight and balance requirements

Airplanes dont care how many airplanes you have flown

Airplanes dont mind if you look at other airplanes or buy airplane magazines

Airplanes are cheaper in the long run

Airplanes can be turned on with the flick of a switch

Airplanes will kill you quick women take their time

Airplanes come with manuals

Airplanes wont get mad if you fly your friends airplane

Airplanes dont care if you’re late

Airplanes dont make you wear a rain coat before entering

53

As a Passenger Service Agent for a small regional carrier, we have quite a bit of interaction with our pilots; which gives us a lot of opportunities to mock them, of course. These are a few of the good ones:

Q: What do pilots use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q:How many pilots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, 'cause the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?
A: He’ll tell you.

Q: What does a pilot say on a first date?
A: Enough about me, let’s talk about planes!

*And my personal favourite: *
Q: What’s the difference between a pilot and a turbine engine?
A: The engine stops whining when it pulls up to the gate.
:laughing:

54

Overheard on Huntsville (KUTS) Unicom:

King Air: “Huntsville Unicom weather report”

Unicom: “Winds are…and it’s raining cats and dogs.”

King Air: “Rats.”

Unicom: “No rats, just cats and dogs.”

:laughing:

55

Very funny stuff guys I like the cartoon with the mountain goat in the clouds. But even more funny ATC’s funny comments.
Whatever happened with that airchina flight did the 150 skip off the wing or something or was it fatal?

56

Correct me if I’m wrong but I think it was just a joke. Didn’t really happen.

57

I’m glad you could understand what he was saying.

58

Well this is not the funniest thing in the world but I did get a little chuckle as I read this NOTAM.

USD 08/046 DTW ST CLAIR TWO SID:
PISTN TRANSITION FOR USE BY JETS ONLY

59

A Mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window)
turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big
cats have baby cats, why don’t big airplanes have baby airplanes?”

The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the
flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said,
“Did your Mom tell you to ask me?”

The boy said, “yes she did.”

“Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes
because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to
you.”

60

[quote=“NeedleNose”]

Ha Ha!

Maybe its because Southwest has some common sense dom