A retired airline captain friend of mine sent this transcript he claimed he heard through
the cracks in the walls of the NTSB Sound Lab and copied everything down with a quill
pen made from a goose feather he found at the accident scene. He’s quite the humorist,
even when he’s not on the sauce. It’s a riot = Enjoy
Here is the transcript from the voice recorder from the Hudson
River Crash
PIC is a Pilot in Command, SIC is Second in Command, you all
know who Sully is
SIC: “Number two’s gone, boss.”
Sully: “I know it! What do I look like, an R-22 pilot (that’s
a baby helicopter a real eggbeater)? Just shut the fcker down,
boy. Oh, and tell Departure that we need to come back in and
land. Fcking birds…”
SIC: "Sheesh, somebody got up on the wrong side of his throne
this morning. You don’t have to insult me just because I got
my commercial helicopter rating in the mighty Robinson. Oh, and
by the way, sir, we’re not climbing, if you even care. Maybe
your decision to take on that extra 5,000 pounds of fuel wasn’t
so hot, Captain."
Sully: “One more comment like that and I’ll make sure the union
keeps you in RJ’s for the rest of your miserable, short career.”
<Bang!>
Sully: “SON OF A BITCH!”
SIC: “Number one’s failing, boss.”
Sully: “I can see that! Am I a-f*cking-sleep? Can I not read
the gauges? Am I not flying the plane here?”
SIC: “I’m just sayin’…”
Sully: “Goddamn Canadians, sending their fcking geese down here
every winter. Why, if I eversee* another Canadian I’m gonna
punch him right in the throat. IHATE Canadians.”
SIC: “Everybody does,boss… Think we can make Teterboro or
straight-in to 22 at Newark?”
Sully: “Yeah,probably. But fck Teterboro! Let’s go to Newark
. I’ve flown out of Teterboro. Short damn runways…always a crosswind.
And their FBO’s suck. I’d rather land in the Hudson fcking
river than land at Teterboro. Hey…”
SIC: “You’re not…”
Sully: “Why not? Maybe we can take out some sail boats with some
prick Canadian snowbirds.”
SIC: “You ever land on the water before?”
Sully: “Plenty of times! I got my seaplane rating back in 1946.
I think it was in a…Piper…something or another, I forget.
Never mind. It’ll all come back to me. Pull out the Before Water
Landing checklist and run it.”
SIC: (flipping through the stack ofchecklists) “Can’t seem to
find one for that.”
Sully: “Fooled ya! HAH! There ain’t one! Just get on the horn
and tell the people to put their heads between their legs and
kiss…no wait, that won’t sound good on on the CVR tape…make
it, ‘brace for collision’…no wait, make it ‘brace for impact.’
Yeah, that’s better. No wait! Tell them that out the left side
of the plane they can seethe Intrepid Museum , and that if they’d
like to visit it, they’ll be able to, this afternoon, like, in
about twenty minutes. Oh, and ring the stews and have them bring
me a rum and coke. If I’m gonna do this, I need a good stiff
drink. And have that one with the big tits bring it up. If I’m
gonna die, I wanna die drunk and with a boner.”
SIC: “Like your grandfather did?”
Sully: “This is no time to make jokes, son. I would really appreciate
it if you’d try to take this situation seriously. I’m fairly
certain that my grandfatherdid not die with a boner. I mean,
have you ever met mygrandmother?”
SIC: “You know, if you pull this off CNN will be calling you
the Hero Pilot of theYear.”
Sully: “F*ck CNN. Liberal bastards. All I care about is what
the fair-and-balanced Fox News will call me. I hope Fox News
calls me a hero!”
SIC: (sighing) “They probably will too. Nobody will remember
my name. It’ll be’Sully this’…and, ‘Sully that.’ 'Captain
Sully, the big fcking hero.’ Like you are the only fcking one
in the cockpit.”
Sully: “You’re quite bitter. You really are a helicopter pilot
at heart, aren’t you? You know, some pilots wait their whole
career to be called a hero. I mean, Christ, I’ve only got two
years to go to retirement. That was close!”
SIC: “We’re not down yet, Captain Skygod.”
Sully: “I know, this thing glides pretty well, huh? Dammit,
no sail boats. Oh well, let’s see if we can buzz one of those
damn sightseeing helicopters. What’s best-glide/engines out?”
SIC: “Beats the shit out of me.”
Sully: “Vref?”
SIC: “F*ck if I know.”
Sully: “Britney Spear’s birthday?”
SIC: “December 2,1981.”
Sully: “Well, I’m glad you know SOMETHING! Just gimme full flaps…”
[END OF RECORDING CAUSE IT GOT ALL WET]
ok some jokes are funny and some arent. this one isnt.