old pilots, bold pilots and anybody looking for a few yucks


#1

all from unknown web locations


Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”

Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”


Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make

up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a

727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I’m

f…ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”


O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a

Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the

little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While

attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,

“What was your last known position?”

Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out

after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end

of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe

exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because

his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”.

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a

B-52 that had one engine shut down.

“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the

following:

Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because

you lost the bloody war!"


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency

124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after

we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the

runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact

Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern

702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,

we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of

the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned

around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian

in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

“What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real

zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’l have

enough parts for another one."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking

location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was

with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following

exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call

sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not

been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, – And I didn’t land.”


While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US

Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto

Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s

difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically:

"God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out!

You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect

progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go

exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that,

US Air 2771?"

“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent

after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance

engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension

in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then

an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

“Wasn’t I married to you once?”

:laughing:


#2

Very funny!! :smiley:


#3

Always funny, even more so with the German jokes being here its almost real!


#4

A couple of F-15’s are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Hercs deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, “Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you’d only dream about.” Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.

“Just watch,” comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level…

After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying “There! How was that?”

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, “What are you talking about? What did you do?”

And the Herc pilot replies, “Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a leak.” :laughing: :laughing:


#5

:laughing: Great…very funny…Basil Fawlty of BBC Comedy Fawlty Towers fame would have loved the German/War comment.
Keep them coming.


#6

Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What, exactly, was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant. “It took us a while to find a new pilot.” :unamused:


#7

Here’s a few to add: :laughing:

Everybody’s a comedian…Overheard this weekend.Pilot: Tower, Cessna1234 would like to shoot a missed approach.Tower: Cessna 1234 approved for missed approach.Pilot: Roger. How close can we come?[pause]Tower: … Just don’t hit the tower.

While doing some work, heard the following exchange on Kennedy Tower freq:Twr: Cactus 51, turn right zulu and golf, hold behind the plane that’s stopped to recycle.Cactus 51: Cactus 51 we’ll make the right zulu and golf, behind the recycled airplane … whatever that means.Trw: C’mon Cactus, you guys should know what that means, you fly Airbus’ – it’s when the screens go blank and you have to restart them all.Cactus 51: Oh, yeah, we know about that. We just thought it was 'cause we were out of quarters.

High-speed taxi … or low-speed takeoff.I landed in the first 150 feet of a runway in a Flightstar (Vx = 40 KIAS) and was taxiing past the main taxiway where an Air Asia 737 was waiting…Tower: 9M-EAU please expedite.9M-EAU: Wilco. …while acclerating to about 15 knots on the ground.]Air Asia Pilot: We can wait, sir. If he goes any faster he’ll be flying again.

Overheard at my local 'drome this [superbowl] weekend…N465: Ground, N465 at Pacific Aviation, VFR to the west with Victor, ready for taxi, we’re going to need a progressive, please.Ground: N465, roger. Alpha three, right Bravo, hold short 27 Right.[short pause]Unknown: Hike!

If ever you’ve lost your place…I fly “co-pilot” for a national carrier. This particular dark and stormy night had me eager for some real world practice. The captain had other ideas.Me: I’d like to fly the approach tonight if you don’t mind.Captain: …and how many times have you flown this one before?Me: More times than I can count.(pause)Captain: I’m still waiting for you to say something that might inspire my confidence.

Actually broadcast on the West Palm Beach (KPBI) ATIS during the first week of the new year.“Attention all pilots, don’t land on taxiway Lima located between runway 27 right and 27 left… [pause] …Duh!”

Specificity 101Heard on Philadelphia Approach:Duke 1234: Philly Approach, we’re gonna begin our VFR descent for the field.Controller: Duke 1234, say altitude descending to.Duke 1234: We’re descending for the field.Controller: Roger, Duke 1234, say altitude descending to.Duke 1234: Well, the field elevation is 78 feet, so … hopefully, we won’t be going below that.Controller: Squak 1200, radar services terminated.

I was practicing night landings when another aircraft departed the airport to the southeast. This is the communication I heard between that aircraft and the tower…Departing Aircraft: Uh, Tower, N1234. Are you talkin’ to this traffic out here? He’s headed straight for us.(short pause)Departing Aircraft: Scratch that … (timidly) … we’re looking at a planet.


#8

Be sure to credit AVweb when you publish their jokes… :slight_smile:


#9

Laughing my A** off about the TWA 747 goona collide with a 727!!!

The German ones were good too!

-Afarr454


#10

BTaylor wrote:

Be sure to credit AVweb when you publish their jokes…

Thanks! They had been emailed to me…I didn’t know where they came from originally. :smiley:


#11

Be sure to credit AVweb when you publish their jokes…

Avweb isn’t the source of the jokes. These jokes and their many variations have been around since 18 Dec 1903. (for those that don’t know, that’s the day after the Wright Brothers first flew.)


#12

These jokes and their many variations have been around since 18 Dec 1903.

The first B747 joke was published in 1925 in Howard Hugh’s web log. The link is broken, however. :laughing:


#13

Whatever…


#14

While taxiing out in sequence behind a Lufthansa DC8 at Rhine Mein Airport, Frankfurt, a USAFE C-130 crew noticed an orange “Remove before flight” streamer hanging out of the Lufthansa nose wheel well (their nose gear locking pin was still installed). Not wanting to cause too much embarrassment by going thru the controller, the 130 crew simply called the Lufthansa aircraft on the tower frequency: “Lufthansa freighter, Herky 23.” No reply.

They repeated the transmission and again there was no reply. Instead, the Lufthansa pilot called the tower and asked the tower to tell the Herky crew that “the professional pilots of Lufthansa do not engage in unprofessional conversations over the radio.”

The 130 pilot quickly replied, “Frankfurt tower, can you please relay to the professional pilots of the Lufthansa freighter that their nose gear pin is still installed?”

(unconfirmed incident, yet found on the web)


#15

flighthumor.org/firstsecond.html
First place winners
True passenger story
"On a flight from Anchorage to Tokyo, the flight engineer went back into the passenger cabin," wrote Murray. “An elderly woman passenger stopped him and asked him what the temperature was. ‘It’s 70 degrees, madam,’ he replied, adding, ‘But outside it’s 30 degrees below zero.’ ‘Young man,’ the woman demanded, ‘What were you doing outside?’”
– Jim Murray from Saint Paul, MN.

True pilot story
"I needed a flying fix one Saturday, so I loaded my wife and six-year-old daughter into a rented 182 and flew from Boeing Field in Seattle to Tacoma Narrows Airport for lunch," wrote Barrus. “Our twenty-mile flight over Puget Sound lasted only nine minutes, but to a first-grader who had never crossed a body of water in an airplane before, it must have seemed like an exotic journey indeed. As we walked across the ramp toward the airport restaurant, she placed her tiny hand in mine and asked, ‘Daddy, do people here speak the same language as us?’”
– Tracy Barrus, Star, ID

Original joke
High Cuisine
All airline passengers agree, the food in flight is awful.
Some even say it shouldn’t be, classified as lawful.
The pasta’s mush, the meat is tough, the pudding’s flavored paste.
The salad’s some sad wilted stuff, and nothing has much taste.
When served this fare inedible, each passenger will frown.
And so it’s quite incredible, how few will turn it down.
– Dominic Martia, Sarasota, FL.

Second place winners
True passenger story
"During the descent of a flight to Florida, my 18-month- old son’s ears began to bother him. I handed him a baby bottle of water saying, ‘this will make your ears feel better.’ He looked uncomprehendingly at the bottle, then at me, and back at the bottle. With a shrug of his shoulders – exhibiting total trust in what his mother said – he lifted the bottle and stuck the nipple right into his ear!"
– Dana Dunlevy, Florham Park, NJ

True pilot story
"The C-119 (flying boxcar) flown in the Korean Conflict had more than one problem. A serious one was its tendency to reach takeoff speed then lose some power. If you were not aware of this and attempted to take off at proper speed instead of waiting another couple of seconds for proper power you could have a problem. This morning the newly-assigned co-pilot was paired with a hard-nosed Major as captain. The co-pilot was nervous and it showed in his actions. As they approached and gained take off speed, the Major decided to soften his image as difficult and turned to the new co-pilot and quipped ‘cheer up.’ The co-pilot executed the ‘gear up’ maneuver just as the power drop occurred. The plane came back to the runway without landing gear. No one was injured. No blame was placed for the incident."
– R.L. Wilson, Jamul, CA

Original joke
"Since I am an infrequent flyer, I have several questions that may seem a bit naive but still cry out for answers. Do 7:47 and 7:27 planes fly at any other times? Can I exchange my round-trip ticket for one that is rectangular so that it fits better on my carry on bag? Does the overhead storage cover one’s eyes? If I fly a DC 10 can I still use my AC razor? Isn’t it dangerous to make sure the passengers are loaded before take off? If I happened to be in the Head when the ‘Fasten Seat Belt’ sign comes on, can my wife do it for me? My wife wants to know if a mudpack can be substituted for an oxygen mask? Should I bring my own in-flight meal if I’m allergic to pretzels and peanuts?"
– Lee Murdock, Grand Forks, ND

:laughing: :laughing:


#16

Two men dressed in Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. but none is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize theyre headed straight for the water at the end of the runway.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, You know, John, one of these days, theyre gonna scream too late and were all gonna die.

Courtesy of http://fatherjoe.wordpress.com/2006/02/23/blind-pilots/ and probably several dozen blogs before that one.


#17

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in Topeka, and had been married for years.

Bob had always wanted to go flying. His desire deepened each time a barn stormier flew into town to offer rides.

Bob would ask, and Sue would say, “No way, ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The years went by, and Bob figured he didn’t have much longer, so he got Sue out to the air show, explaining, it’s free to watch.

Once he got there the feeling to fly become real strong. Sue and Bob started an argument over the cost.

One of the pilots, between flights, overheard their dispute. He interrupted them; "I’ll tell you what, I’ll take you up flying in my bi-plane, and if you both don’t say a word the ride is on me, but if you make one sound, you pay twenty dollars.

So off they flew. The pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could. Diving as fast as the plane could go, pulling up just at the very last moment, and still not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport.

Taxiing he asked, "I’m surprised, you folks didn’t you say anything?

“Well I almost said something when Bob fell out, but twenty dollars is twenty dollars.”

(taken and edited from the web)


#18

After every flight, Qantas’ pilots fill out a form, called a
"gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the
aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their
repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets
before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews
ack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots & the solutions
recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the
only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and
action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

received from an Aussie friend who ???


#19

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight safety lecture and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

  1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, People, people were not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
  2. On a Continental Flight with a very senior flight attendant crew, the pilot said, Ladies and gentlemen, weve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.
  3. On landing, the stewardess said, Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If youre going to leave anything, please make sure its something wed like to have.
  4. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane
  5. Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
  6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!
  7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.
  8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa… To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you dont know how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised.
  9. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.
  10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but well try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.
  11. Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.
  12. As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
  13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!
  14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, That was quite a bump, and I know what yall are thinking. Im here to tell you it wasnt the airlines fault, it wasnt the pilots fault, it wasnt the flight attendants fault, it was the asphalt.
  15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis whats left of our airplane to the gate!
  16. Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.
  17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question? Why, no, Maam, said the pilot. What is it? The little old lady said, Did we land, or were we shot down?
  18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, well open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
  19. Part of a flight attendants arrival announcement: Wed like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope youll think of US Airways.
  20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light em, you can smoke em.
  21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach yelled, Thats nothing. You should see the back of mine.

#20

I’ve seen most, if not all, of those, Tim, but they are still worth looking at again.

A suggestion to make it easier to read: Put blank spaces between each item. If you copy it straight from a website, then please go through and hit the enter key after each entry. It does make it so much easier to read!