Truth in Airline Pre-Flight Annoucements

Here is what goes through the mind of a rational Flight Attendant:

"Ladies and gentlemen,

"There is only one piece of safety equipment on this plane that’s important: your seat belt.

"Everyone who flies for a living always keeps belted while in his seat. When the flight attendants are belted down it’s because the weather is truly unstable as indicated by the lightning, aircraft yawing, and the excess flatulence wafting through the cabin. If the Flight attendants are belted in their seats, don’t be a jerk and try to go to the bathroom or get something out the overhead compartment. The days of hats and furs in an overhead rack are over; if you’re in an aisle seat, you’re on your own when the bin is opened.

"Otherwise, the ‘Fasten Seatbelt’ is an advert from our legal department or a captain who’s forgotten to turn it off.

"If the cabin depressurizes the cabin will fog up, and the captain will push the plane into a dive that, unless you are belted, will put your head through the overhead compartment. Yank the oxygen mask that is dangling in front of you and try to breath since the captain has to lose about 30,000’ in about 5 minutes. Put your mask on first since you will black out before your kid.

"Radios and electronic devices are welcomed all the time. We never turn ours off either.

“You must be taller than 6’4” to sit in the Emergency Rows to insure we have strong backs who can help throw the rest of us out the plane. Remember, in the event of an event, try not to panic, but haul ass.

"In coach, keep your seat backs up since there is no leg room and the guy behind you is probably all legs. Those of you at bulkheads, go ahead and store your purse by your feet. No one has ever understood that rule.

"Tray tables should be stowed at take off and landing unless you’re part of a magic act where the lady gets sawed in half. Those of you in business and first class, lean back and enjoy not being in coach. No need to worry about moving your seat upright in the event of a crash since the plane has split into two or three sections and the surviving passengers walk out of the fuselage. The remaining passengers and crew will be Kibbles and Bits on a hillside.

“If there’s anything we can do to make your flight more enjoyable, it’s unlikely.”