This has been around the block a few times, but figured I share for those who may not have seen it before:
Recent work on incident reports and analyses revealed this tidbit
which appeared in the Qantas Flight Operations Newsletter dated June
1996.
QANTAS – Boeing 747 -The Spirit Of Australia
Sir,
In your icy, indeed hostile, telephone call of yesterday, you
requested a report about the alleged proceedings involving my crew at
the Qantas 75th Birthday celebration at the slip port. As the reports
from the local authorities and the head of the Australian Legation
were undoubtedly a complete fabrication and a misstatement of the
facts, I take the opportunity to put the truth of the matter on file.
Qantas management's kind offer to "buy a round of drinks" was taken on
board by the crew who decided to upgrade the event to its correct status.
Therefore, appropriate quantities of libation and food were
purchased, with festivities being held in my hotel suite.
An enjoyable evening ensued but insufficient supplies had been
obtained, so several members of the crew left for further purchases at
a local bar. In a truly magnanimous gesture, ten bar girls from that
establishment helped carry the beer back to the hotel. To demonstrate
our appreciation of their assistance, we served them some cool drink.
They then offered to show us some local culture, and, in order not to
offend, we allowed them to dance some of the local, exotic dances.
The banging on the walls of my room by other hotel guests was
reprehensible. Quite honestly, it become invasive and it was
disturbing the fertile atmosphere of the dances, so we arranged an
amusing little deterrent that rose to the occasion and offered great
style.
S/O Brown's impersonation of the Police Officer was excellent! In
full Qantas uniform, with an aluminum rubbish bin upside down on his
head, he goose-stepped to each room and harangued the occupants with a
very witty diatribe about disturbing hotel guests. I personally heard
nothing of his alleged threats of life in Alcatraz or the Gulags, as
claimed by the sister of the Minister of Police whose room unluckily
was next door.
I have no doubt that this woman was the sneak who called security and
hotel management, and I absolutely refute that the shout "Look out,
here come the Indians! Circle the wagons!" was made by anyone in our
party. The simple coincidence of security arriving just as we stood
the double bed on its side across the door to make the dance floor
bigger is obvious and stands on its own merit.
The major damage to the room occurred when a group of gate crashers,
whom we could not know were hotel security, forced their way in just
as most of us happened to be leaning against the bed watching the
cultural dancing.
The subsequent events in the foyer of the hotel are an equally vicious
distortion of the facts. I was explaining the importance of the 75th
Birthday to the General Manager of the hotel and noting that other
guests were fabricating stories of noise, drinking and singing at the
celebration, when F/O Smith (ex-SAS) and several other fitness
enthusiasts, in keeping with their almost monastic pursuit of health,
organized the race up the drapes. These drapes, which hang along the
foyer wall, say nothing for the workmanship of some of these nations.
That the fittings were torn from the wall before most of the crew were
even half way up is ample testimony.
In an amazing display of international posturing, the Governor of the
city, who was attending the National Day cocktail party in the foyer,
cast some denigrating remarks about Australian culture. Although he
misunderstood our gestures of greeting, female flight attendant
Williams rescued the situation with her depth of knowledge of local
culture.
Her rendition of the Fertility Dancing Maiden in the foyer's "Pool of
Remembrance" was nothing short of breathtaking. Normally this dance
is performed wearing just a sarong skirt so FFA Williams' extra step
to nature was a bold step forward.
Unfortunately, during one intricate step, FFA Williams slipped and
fell beneath the fountain, so we were lucky that S/O Brown, who had
the great presence of mind to strip to avoid getting his uniform wet,
leapt in to help. That the tiles of the pool were slippery is beyond
dispute, as it took nearly ten minutes of threshing about before S/O
Brown could actually complete his rescue. Such concern was there for
these two exemplary crew member's safety, that the rest of the crew
were forced to assist, and I deny that this massed altruistic rescue
attempt could be construed as a "Naked Water Polo" game! This
slanderous accusation was first put to me by the Chief of The Riot
Squad, whose storm troopers had erroneously been called by some over
zealous Fascists at the cocktail party.
It is important to note that order had nearly been restored when the
fire started.
I prefer F/O Smith's version of events that the drapes had caught fire
from being against a light fitting, and that he dropped his cigarette
lighter whilst trying to escape the flames. Had hotel management
fulfilled their responsibilities and used fire retardant material
instead of velvet, the fire would not have spread to the rest of the
hotel. This offers further evidence of inadequate standards of
inspection by this nation.
The responsible attitude shown by my crew in assisting the bar staff
to carry out drinks from the cocktail party is to be commended, not
condemned. The attempt by male members of the crew to extinguish
pockets of fire using natural means has been totally misrepresented in
some quarters. And I must add that the efforts made by several FA's
to help evacuate the hotel is a standard of which Qantas has long been
proud. The fact that many crew were only in their birthday suits
shows the extraordinary personal risk to which they were subjected. I
cannot overstate how strongly I resent the assertions made in the
Chief Fire Officer's Report about interference.
I made an official protest about these matters when the head of the
Australian Legation visited us at the Police Station the next morning.
However, not only did Ambassador Jones not attempt to refute the
preposterous allegations made against me and my crew, but also by
failing to secure our release immediately, caused the subsequent
aircraft delay.
I did not know Her Majesty was to be aboard our aircraft, but I am
sure that her 12-hour visit to that country was appreciated by local
dignitaries and probably HRH herself. (I must mention that the local
manager is far too obsequious. Smarmy! Smarmy! You should have seen
him bowing and scraping. Never make a Prime Minister that chap!)
Finally, I note that not since "Rainman" has Qantas been mentioned in
so many newspapers. (Some people in Qantas would die for coverage
like that). The main newspaper at the slip port coincidentally
mentioned Qantas 75 times on its front page alone, although some of
the coupled epithets can only be described as the worst journalistic
excesses of the gutter press.
I trust that now I have outlined the correct version of events. I
propose that we allow ourselves a discreet smile as to the lack of
social sophistication of some of these developing nations and put all
this behind us. As far as I am concerned, the crew carried on in the
finest Qantas traditions.
Regards,
A.J. Smithers, Flight Captain
Trip No. 776
P.S. I checked amongst the language qualified members of the crew,
but no one was up to speed on Latin. Can you recommend anyone in the
International Department who could translate "Persona Non Grata"?